Forever On the Hips

In the movie “Steel Magnolias” the characters of Clairee and Truvy are discussing the state of the Mayor’s wife’s features as she is dancing at a wedding reception. The conversation goes as follows:

Clairee: “Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket."

Truvy:   “I haven’t walked out of my house without lycra on these thighs in twenty years.”

Clairee:  “That’s because you were brought up right.”

I think I may have been channeling that scene this past Saturday. I was honored to be a bridesmaid (at my delicate age) at my lovely friend Lea’s wedding. I wanted to do her proud and look my best. Given that I’m nowhere close to my goal weight, I thought I’d give Spanx a whirl. This supposed light-weight girdle has been the talk of stars and TV anchors for quite a while, and so encouraged, I bit the bait. I think it would have been less painful to have had liposuction without an anesthetic, but what do I know?

At 8:30 in the morning my hair was done, make-up in place and my dress was pressed and ready to wear. I had to be at Lea’s home by 9:00 to help her with her wedding gown, and I had saved the putting on of the Spanx until the last possible moment. I should have given myself another two hours. Confidently placing both legs into the Spanx, I began to pull, and pull, and strain and, did I mention pull? By the time I had them to my waist (and these were the “high tops”), I had sweat all of the make-up off my face and was close to passing out. When I finally had them completely on I felt like a trussed chicken. To top off my um…torture, I had decided to wear the minimizer bra. I couldn’t help but wonder where all this suppressed flesh had gone. I kept turning in circles like a cat chasing its tail while I looked in the mirror. Surely there was a balloon of fat sticking out somewhere.

I couldn’t find evidence, or any bubble of fat escaping from the sides or tops of the devices I was wearing, but I did notice changes. My dress seemed to drape a little looser, but what had happened to my derriere? Instead of having buttocks, I had gone to BUTTOCK! IT looked like a shelf had attached itself to my backside. I was close to hysterics! As I started to bend over to put on my shoes, I was reminded of something my girlfriend Evelyn told me. My Mama once told her, “Don’t ever wear a girdle, once you start, you’ll never stop.” Funny, Mama never mentioned that to me. I was puffing like a steam engine and I couldn’t bend over. This was going to be one interesting day.

The wedding went off without a hitch. It was lovely, just like the bride and I was proud to have been included in her most special day. I have to say I walked down the aisle before her with my head held high, mostly because the Spanx give you excellent posture. If you try to bend, something will snap. That presents a problem with the whole sit down and eat portion of the reception. And eating while wearing Spanx? Not sure that I would recommend it. The food felt like cannon balls being stuffed into too narrow a shaft. Going to the bathroom was out of the question. It would have taken me an hour to undo and then "do-up" my trusses. I’d have missed all the good parts of the reception. I looked longingly at the knife when the bride and groom were cutting the cake. I imagined the relief I would feel if someone would just cut me out of the vise encasing me.

For seven hours I wore the Spanx. When I returned home it took almost as much time to get them off as it did to put them on. I had seam lines permanently etched on my body. I can say without a doubt that I’ll be redoubling my efforts to lose weight now. I never want to shove, pull, push, or stuff my body into a pair of Spanx ever again. Breathing is seriously underrated, not to mention sitting down. I think I’ll go burn those suckers now, but the seam lines look like they’ll be forever on my hips.

Wardrobe Malfunctions

The last time I saw the inside of a gym was sometime in the mid-to-late 90’s before my daughter was born. I was in an aerobics class and loved it. There was a good mix of guys and gals, and we wore t-shirts and sweat pants, or shorts for our workout. I do recall seeing leg warmers and shiny leotards, but they were few and far between. That in mind, I donned a comfortable, clean t-shirt and shorts, and headed to the gym. I felt good about my choice in clothing, until I looked around the room.

Where do these cute, tiny, little workout clothes come from, and dear Lord, do I have to invest in a new wardrobe just to work out? Some of the women wear the little sports bras with midriff cut camisoles over them. (Let me just say that these women had the body for it, and if I could, maybe I would dress that way. I still wonder how this actually enhances exercise.) Should I attempt this style of dress I would look like a link sausage that ruptured in the middle. I only saw one woman dressed in a t-shirt and capri length sweats, and while she was trim and neat in her dress; she was also over retirement age. Not only did the clothes catch my attention but I noticed that full make-up, and jewelry, appeared to be worn.

If I were to wear make-up during my workout it would end up on my knees, so what’s up with that?  The jewelry; well my wedding ring and watch never come off, but to have a couple of necklaces and HUGE hoop earrings on just seems a bit overdone, don’tcha think? If I came into the gym wearing just one of the necklaces I saw, I would have a black eye and a sturdy rash around my neck. I had no idea that the gym was a fashion center. It seems that just being comfortable is not done. Shoot, it’s bad enough that “What Not To Wear” (the style guru show on TLC) won’t even let women run to the grocery store with shorts and t-shirts; now we have to dress to impress in the gym.

While I don’t intend to look like a photo from “People of Wal-Mart” (and hey, I admit to buying there...Budget, ya know), I’d like to think that being clean and comfortable meet the criteria for workout clothes. I’m sorry, but it was all too distracting when I heard the clank, clank, clank, of necklaces bouncing up and down that the lady on the elliptical next to me was wearing. I’m afraid I’ll have to be on standby to give first aid, or call 911 when she gets hung up in the machine. I’m beginning to understand why some opt for a home gym; the convenience of it and the lack of having to look like a fashion plate are a major plus.

Ah well, all of this and getting in shape too. Still, I think I’d better brush up on my first aid skills. There were a couple of guys who almost lost their balance this week, trying to run flat out on the treadmill while sneaking glances at “Necklace Lady.”  The gym is more of an adventure than I ever thought it would be, with or without potential wardrobe malfunctions.