Forever On the Hips

In the movie “Steel Magnolias” the characters of Clairee and Truvy are discussing the state of the Mayor’s wife’s features as she is dancing at a wedding reception. The conversation goes as follows:

Clairee: “Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket."

Truvy:   “I haven’t walked out of my house without lycra on these thighs in twenty years.”

Clairee:  “That’s because you were brought up right.”

I think I may have been channeling that scene this past Saturday. I was honored to be a bridesmaid (at my delicate age) at my lovely friend Lea’s wedding. I wanted to do her proud and look my best. Given that I’m nowhere close to my goal weight, I thought I’d give Spanx a whirl. This supposed light-weight girdle has been the talk of stars and TV anchors for quite a while, and so encouraged, I bit the bait. I think it would have been less painful to have had liposuction without an anesthetic, but what do I know?

At 8:30 in the morning my hair was done, make-up in place and my dress was pressed and ready to wear. I had to be at Lea’s home by 9:00 to help her with her wedding gown, and I had saved the putting on of the Spanx until the last possible moment. I should have given myself another two hours. Confidently placing both legs into the Spanx, I began to pull, and pull, and strain and, did I mention pull? By the time I had them to my waist (and these were the “high tops”), I had sweat all of the make-up off my face and was close to passing out. When I finally had them completely on I felt like a trussed chicken. To top off my um…torture, I had decided to wear the minimizer bra. I couldn’t help but wonder where all this suppressed flesh had gone. I kept turning in circles like a cat chasing its tail while I looked in the mirror. Surely there was a balloon of fat sticking out somewhere.

I couldn’t find evidence, or any bubble of fat escaping from the sides or tops of the devices I was wearing, but I did notice changes. My dress seemed to drape a little looser, but what had happened to my derriere? Instead of having buttocks, I had gone to BUTTOCK! IT looked like a shelf had attached itself to my backside. I was close to hysterics! As I started to bend over to put on my shoes, I was reminded of something my girlfriend Evelyn told me. My Mama once told her, “Don’t ever wear a girdle, once you start, you’ll never stop.” Funny, Mama never mentioned that to me. I was puffing like a steam engine and I couldn’t bend over. This was going to be one interesting day.

The wedding went off without a hitch. It was lovely, just like the bride and I was proud to have been included in her most special day. I have to say I walked down the aisle before her with my head held high, mostly because the Spanx give you excellent posture. If you try to bend, something will snap. That presents a problem with the whole sit down and eat portion of the reception. And eating while wearing Spanx? Not sure that I would recommend it. The food felt like cannon balls being stuffed into too narrow a shaft. Going to the bathroom was out of the question. It would have taken me an hour to undo and then "do-up" my trusses. I’d have missed all the good parts of the reception. I looked longingly at the knife when the bride and groom were cutting the cake. I imagined the relief I would feel if someone would just cut me out of the vise encasing me.

For seven hours I wore the Spanx. When I returned home it took almost as much time to get them off as it did to put them on. I had seam lines permanently etched on my body. I can say without a doubt that I’ll be redoubling my efforts to lose weight now. I never want to shove, pull, push, or stuff my body into a pair of Spanx ever again. Breathing is seriously underrated, not to mention sitting down. I think I’ll go burn those suckers now, but the seam lines look like they’ll be forever on my hips.