The July 4th weekend is behind me, or rather, perhaps, now a part of my behind. It’s been a rough few days of cookouts and rich foods, starting with Saturday. We went to the birthday party of a friend of ours, and food was everywhere. When you’re trying to cinch in the belt it seems you can’t escape tables loaded with cascading treats, but I wouldn’t have missed Carl’s birthday in spite of the temptations. He was in our wedding 25 years ago when I still had a waist and I was a little hesitant about going to the party because, well, I’m not the girl I used to be. Being (what some have called) a larger-than-life-size-girl in a size zero world can shake your confidence and make you second guess yourself.
I would have loved to go to the party thin and svelte, but would that really have made a difference to those who invited my husband and me? There have been occasions when I’ve put too much importance into what others have said regarding the state of my, um, abundant curves. Once upon a long ago, I invited a co-worker to come to my home. When she walked into the door she commented about how very neat my home was and that she didn’t expect such tidiness since “most large people are sloppy.” Well shoot. I could have saved myself the time and trouble of cleaning up the trash heap and putting out the pig for her had I known her opinion! I told her I’d be glad to mess things up if that would make her more comfortable and laughed it off, but it hurt. You can bet your sweet bippy I never invited her over again. Then there was this one lady, who I thought was beautiful say, “You’d be lovely if you’d just lose a little weight.” The thing is I always thought I was pretty good, and in my own way, pretty where it counted. Even family can sneak in a quick jab like the time I was asked why I was trying this or that to lose weight “when you’ll only gain it all back.” Being overweight is not for wimps. I’ve discovered that you have to have a pretty good idea of who you are and a sizable (you’d think I could come up with a different word) backbone to have any kind of self-esteem.
On the other hand, I do have the support of true friends and family through all my ups and downs on the scale. That rocks my world and helps me handle the “good intentioned ones” who have made the comment that they hope I find myself as I go through this journey. Now I’m not saying that the weight loss won’t boost my ego or self-esteem, but for crying out loud…I’ve been here all along! I know who I am, I really do. It’s not like the pounds have given me amnesia. I can tell you that with or without the weight, I know me. I know that music sends me. It’s the one true thing that sends my soul flying, and that my voice soars with or without extra weight on my bones. I know that writing is a part of me. Every line, every word, whether it’s put together coherently or not, is right out of my being and it can sometimes tilt my cup to overflowing. I know that love surrounds me and makes me a better person than I would be without it and that my children see the real, nitty, gritty, picky, loving Mama that is me every single day (bless their hearts).
The size of my tush doesn’t define who I am as a person or how I should be treated. How I act, how I interact and how I show empathy, kindness and love are evidence of the real me. I’m messy, and funny, and frantic, and moody with hot flashes. I’m a cynical romantic who loves melodrama, all genres of music, and I still cry at Hallmark commercials at the tender age of 51. I never lost myself, I just added a few inches on the framework. I’ve always been here. Losing weight might make me last a little longer, move a little faster, breathe a little easier and spend less money on clothes, but if the figure is all you see, you never really saw me in the first place. I don’t need to drop pounds to find myself, but if you have a little extra will power to spare so I can pass by the next round of holiday food, I’ll take it.
First off, I've seen you in person and you are beautiful. Second, the way you put thoughts and words together is so engaging that it makes me more aware of how my writing can be better. Last, one might say I've had the same issue in reverse: "You need to put some meat on your bones; You are the skinniest person I've ever met; Do you have an eating disorder? Let the strong guy lift that. . . . " I have heard all of these and more. I am a strong, healthy person with a high metabolism, so I wish people would stop stroking their own egos by putting me (and anyone else who does not look like them) down. Thanks. And whatever size you wear, treat yourself with gentleness and love!
ReplyDeleteJohn, thank you seems so little for such kind words. You're so right, we should treat ourselves with gentleness and love regardless of who, or how we are. By the way, I never had any doubt that you were strong!
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